You are not safe; therefore, i am

25 Sept. - 03 Dec. 2024 — from willa beale

when You
went down on me
i was
taken aback
on the soft pillows
when You
feasted momentarily

but i had to stop You

because this is not right
i do not deserve this
and, frankly, neither do You

You don't deserve
to go down
on someone
who loves You
like this
when You
love me
like this:

"This means less to me from you than it would otherwise mean from Him."

this is not Us
We are not a sacred turmoil
i am not an object
You were not a liar once

how dare You—

once, You feasted
like a king on me

tonight, You are not a king

i don't know what You are
but i miss You
and i wish i could feast on You,
make You remember
what i deserve, what You deserve
what i am, what You were when
you used to be nice

and so
when You 
told me i felt unsafe
i knew You meant
Yourself
because You tried to go down on me
and You wouldn't try
if i wasn't safe to You 

and You wept before all this happened,
You wept because You worried,
You worried You'd hurt me,
because You are unsafe.

but i am safe

You will never hurt me

i am safe

and maybe that is why
You wanted to feast on me
and maybe that is why

when You
some days later
ask me:
let me kiss on You
let me love on You
in the early morning
and Your rank breath rasps
and Your small toes curl
and Your darling breast heaves
You make a point
to tell me
that You are not
aroused for me,
who has been arousing You

because You are not here
yet when You leave You will
want to be

because

You are not safe
therefore, i am

and maybe that is why

when You 
later declined me
when i asked
to share my bed
i did not say to You:
You will fuck a rando punk
but You won't even rest with me?

because

You owe me nothing

You are not safe
therefore, i am

And i know You may read This Poem,
grow angry with me for saying this,
grow resentful of my perception,
but isn't that the point of us?
Shouldn't we draw attention
to the friction in our differences?
Isn't that where the safety
of our love finds root?

You are not safe
therefore, i am

and if ever again
You want to feast on me
i will say, no, to You,
as i should have before,
because my love
is a greater meal
than Your lust

because my love
is everything for You
even
when You aren't nice

i would say good-by for You.
i would be silent for You.
i would write this poem for You.
i would grow old for You.

and if ever again
You want to feast on me
i will say: no,
but if You'd like
You may
recline
on the soft pillows

We will Talk.
We will really Talk.

You may
let me
dance
my mouth
on You

You may
let Us
enjoy
the grace
i reserve
for You

You may
let me
plant my safety
in the garden
of You

but You
may never
when We
do this
claim i am
unsafe
to You

i am safe; i am safe and
therefore, you are, too.

— for my Voice.

---

Orthonym’s Note: This poem is about an experience willa had that was complicated and difficult to process. We struggled to know whether to publish this here or not. In the end, it was published in a moment of grief (we are writing this note two days after its publication). While this piece sat in our drafts, we became afraid of it. We struggled to confront it. None of us are proud of this piece. None of us feel safe. The poem is an effort to reclaim something taken. It’s also a lament for something lost.

We have all tried to be transparent here while we fail to be transparent in our daily lives. This is—at present—the best that we can do. This poem was written about a complex event that has left a human feeling emotionally abused by someone who had long been a safe space to them. The poem was published following honesty about that feeling of abuse after nearly three months of anxious fretting and self-doubt.

We doubted ourselves for three months before resolving to honesty. We feel guilt for our incapacity to confront the person we felt abused us. That is why we published this poem. We cannot feel guilty for speaking our truth. Allowing ourselves to feel guilty only perpetuates the cycle of fear. We are listening to our guilt. We are trying to do better by ourselves and others.

Thank you for reading.